


the affections of eris

by candied_stupidity (efflorescent_idiocy)



Series: Miya Twins Week 2020 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Depression, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Mental Instability, Metaphors, Panic Attacks, Prompt: Apocalypse, Sad Ending, atsumu needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 05:20:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/efflorescent_idiocy/pseuds/candied_stupidity
Summary: The apocalypse isn't a tsunami - it's the tide, slow and unstoppable, with Atsumu front and center.
Series: Miya Twins Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1944265
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28
Collections: Miya Twins Week 2020





	the affections of eris

**Author's Note:**

> eris is the greek goddess of chaos. her affection isn't really a good thing.
> 
> please don't act like atsumu. he really needs help from a professional, and i've written inarizaki just oblivious enough to ignore it. call a suicide hotline if you're thinking about suicide.
> 
> also, be careful with your words. you never know how even a joke is going to affect someone.
> 
> TW: panic attack and severe depression

There is no mistaking the way Kita-san's eyes flick over him and move on like he's nothing to bother looking at.

There is no mistaking how Sunarin's eyes roll as he calls Atsumu a dipshit for the fourth time today.

There is no mistaking 'Samu's snort of laughter or the grin Aran tries to hide.

Atsumu pretends it's a joke like he always does, like he pretends everything is a joke - just so he won't have to take it as an insult.

_(Never mind that to pretend, you have to know reality.)_

Practice moves on - it always does.

Today, 'Samu makes three jokes about him, Sunarin four, and Akagi one. Kita-san glances at him once, when he thinks Atsumu isn't looking.

It's less than yesterday, probably because conditioning was scheduled. There's less free time - less time as a prop, more time as a tool.

He doesn't know why he counts the jokes. There's no reason to, not when they're just jokes, but it helps him laugh it off sometimes.

Worrying about it is ridiculous, but sometimes indulging is the only thing that helps. Nobody knows that he does this, and he plans to keep it that way.

The walk home is terrible, but they're both too tired to talk. Atsumu doesn't know why he's so relieved.

It hovers over him for the rest of the night. He's relieved, but he shouldn't be, but he is, and he feels so _guilty_ about it.

He's not sure he's hungry during dinner, but he stuffs himself anyway, just to put off eating tomorrow. His mother looks at him oddly. 'Samu barely does at all.

Atsumu is glad she hadn't asked if he was okay - he might have cried if she did.

(He still cries, but in the bathroom instead of in front of everyone.)

He thinks it might be a good thing that he uses contacts. If he didn't, he couldn't blame his red eyes on accidentally poking himself in the eye or something.

He's not sure why he bothers coming up with the excuse. It's not like anyone voluntarily pays attention to his eyes, let alone him.

(Atsumu knows he's doing it to pretend someone cares.)

His heart gives a slow thump, like it doesn't quite have enough energy for a full contraction _(like he's bleeding out in the sand and waiting to die)._

* * *

He feels pretty good this morning. He'd gotten up early and eaten a granola bar before going for a run without 'Samu.

They wouldn't have talked at all, but he still feels better when he goes without him.

_(He wonders when his twin stopped being a person he could come back to - when they ceased to be Atsumu-and-Osamu in favor of being separate halves of a whole)_

It's a long run, the longest he could do before school started. School didn't matter too much, but he didn't want his mom to worry.

He takes the long route, so he doesn't have to wave to Kita-san only for him to look away like Atsumu's not there.

At first, trying to get his attention was a game. Now he isn't sure he could handle his attention without crying.

He's not sure he could handle anyone's attention without crying.

The team had always reminded him of foxes with their almost catlike eyes - Atsumu's eyes looked just the same as 'Samu's, but he felt more like a mouse.

_(When did he start avoiding the club members? When did they stop being his teammates?)_

He walks into class on time, though he is a little sweaty.

The people already there glance at him and go back to what they were doing. _(Just like Kita-san,_ his mind whispers.)

Aoyama-sensei asks if he's doing okay. He says that he's fine.

He feels more like a wasteland, dried out and useless.

Classes pass by in a haze, but he still manages to take some decent notes. He has to, after all.

He can't bomb any tests - losing to Samu is just another flavor of bitter failure.

(One to add to the many he already knows.)

* * *

_We have not touched the stars,_

_nor are we forgiven, which brings us back_

_to the hero's shoulders, and the gentleness that comes,_

_not from the absence of violence, but despite_

_the abundance of it._

_-Richard Siken_

* * *

He shouldn't be crying.

This shouldn't feel apocalyptic. It's not a big deal.

(Nothing is, not anymore)

Of course they lost to Itachiyama. Omi-kun and Komori-kun are the best in their respective positions.

 _(Loss is expected,_ a ghost of Kita-san's voice says. _Perhaps if you were more diligent, it wouldn't have been the case.)_

He's crying in the bathroom anyways, crouched in the filth like an animal.

_Kita-san's frowning. He's disappointed, as he always is._

"Atsumu?"

Ginjima pokes his head through the door.

He tries not to sound like he's been crying.

"Don't you worry bout me, Gin-kun. 'M peachy - ya just go on ahead."

"Yer in fetal position on the floor. That's like, the complete opposite of peachy."

 _"Go,_ Gin-kun."

He raises his hands in surrender and backs out.

Gin-kun isn't abandoning him. Atsumu is the one who told him to go away. He was being respectful and listening.

(Does anybody actually listen to him, though?)

That doesn't matter.

His last semblance of mental structure caves in, falls like Rome.

(Atsumu's glory days are long gone, too. He is no longer mighty.)

The walls collapse, the sink above him rolls over, the very air in his lungs coils and turns until it is impossible to breathe.

The door creaks open, and the grating sound curdles in his ears like sour milk.

He drifts off in a sea of destruction.

Hubris laps at his feet. Wrath nibbles at bleached hair and bone. He wishes to be whole, plays pretend like he already is.

_(it's never going to happen)_

He giggles hysterically, and he feels Omi-kun's flat gaze, though he feigns ignorance.

"'Samu," he lilts, though he knows his twin is not in the room. "Found Rome for me, will ya? Do me a favor and be Romulus."

Omi-kun stiffens.

_(Atsumu continues to rot.)_

**Author's Note:**

> please pretend it is still september. i rlly wanted to do 'hunger' but nothing came to me.  
> talk to me on twt! @BloomingIdiocy
> 
> fun fact: this was originally written for day 2: separation


End file.
